i don’t know if i’m worthy of love, kindness and help, and i just can’t lie to myself and say i believe that i do. because i don’t.
seasons change… and just as naturally as the night rain fall turns into early summer morning dew, it all dries up and leaves with the winds of change. i wouldn’t say this place is quiet, but it is a certain type of… quieter. quiet enough to where this is usually the part where my tears get the best of me, but i don’t know, somethings changed… and i can’t seem to find the tears anymore… I don’t know why, and I try as hard as I can to let it go, let it out..
they say nothing on this Earth can bring down the moon. dogs may bark all they like, humans may curse it all they wish, it’s just too seemingly impossible. and they’d be 100% right to assume so, you know that right Q?
“but still… i may as well try., even if it seems pointless…. because it’s all i know.”
why even bother if you know it’s pointless? but… that’s all the reason and only reason i needed to hear, there’s no use in persuading you.
everyone is so different and all want different things, yet I can only be me… so that’s what i’ll be, because that’s all that i am.…
but even then, i’ll still be here even when we’re in hard times.…
August huh? Summer’s end is near and I don’t even remember July, let alone June… but I guess that’s just the consequences of me dissociating from the world. In the past couple of months-, no. In these recent years, I’ve pushed and I’ve pushed. I mean I always did, but it was never active and never with a set purpose in my mind. I guess… most of my life, push has always been used defensively, whether to avoid the pain of loss or just plain old habits.…
one day I’m gonna quit my job, pack my bags, and go somewhere far away to paint the world the color of the sky.
“… if you’re not happy please don’t stay.”
and ever since then, I’ve had trouble staying… because the person I’m always not happy with, is myself.
Head in the clouds, I see what they cannot. I take it because they cannot. I do it for those who cannot. Intelligence and talent is nothing without ambition. Power without purpose is meaningless. Aggression without reason is cruelty. Passivity without intention is weakness. Reprisal without respite is loneliness. Respite without reprisal is complacent. I hurt so they don’t, better to have been hurt than to continue this senseless cycle that I’ve long hated. But I know my aggression can’t always be contained.
I’ve known loss. “remember” “I DO“
I’ve known defeat. “humility” “I UNDERSTAND“
I’ve known failure. “it’s whatever is left of your humanity” “I KNOW“
I’ve known fear. “is this what you really want?” “IT’S THE ONLY WAY.“
I’ve known the taste of my own blood in my mouth. “why do you persist?” “BECAUSE I MUST.“
I’ve known it all too long and often for me to ever forget.
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