August huh? Summer’s ends is near and I don’t even remember July, let alone June… but I guess that’s just the consequences of me dissociating from the world. In the past couple of months-, no. In these recent years, I’ve pushed and I’ve pushed. I mean I always did, but it was never active and never with a set purpose in my mind. I guess… most of my life, push has always been used defensively, whether to avoid the pain of loss or just plain old habits.…
one day I’m gonna quit my job, pack my bags, and go somewhere far away to paint the world the color of the sky.
“… if you’re not happy please don’t stay.”
and ever since then, I’ve had trouble staying… because the person I’m always not happy with, is myself.
Head in the clouds, I see what they cannot. I take it because they cannot. I do it for those who cannot. Intelligence and talent is nothing without ambition. Power without purpose is meaningless. Aggression without reason is cruelty. Passivity without intention is weakness. Reprisal without respite is loneliness. Respite without reprisal is complacent. I hurt so you do not, better to have been hurt than to continue this senseless cycle that I’ve long hated. But I know my aggression can’t always be contained.
I’ve known loss. “remember” “I DO“
I’ve known defeat. “humility” “I UNDERSTAND“
I’ve known failure. “it’s whatever is left of your humanity” “I KNOW“
I’ve known fear. “is this what you really want?” “IT’S THE ONLY WAY.“
I’ve known the taste of my own blood in my mouth. “why do you persist?” “BECAUSE I MUST.“
I’ve known it all too long and often for me to ever forget.
I’ve always wondered if there was something different about me that makes me seem so… hard to love. I always feel like I’m fighting for something from everyone, something that I give to everyone. And for me, that thing comes so easily. It’s just simple acceptance of a person as a human being and the willingness to try to understand them and their perspective. And that’s because that’s something I’ve always envied and never received as a boy. Fatherless, abusive stepdad, an even more abusive mom.
Life’s been strange and it’s trippin’ me out.
I don’t really know what to say,
only that I’m not here to stay.
The right decision is often the most difficult one. It took me a long time to realize that, though it’s not exactly a lesson that can be taught. For most of my life, I’ve felt that my thoughts seemingly betrayed my feelings. Yet at the same time, my emotions appeared to betray my own perception on life. Untangling the two always felt difficult, maybe because of burdens from the past, or maybe it was my inability to understand things that most other people could.
