The right decision is often the most difficult one. It took me a long time to realize that, though it’s not exactly a lesson that can be taught. For most of my life, I’ve felt that my thoughts seemingly betrayed my feelings. Yet at the same time, my emotions appeared to betray my own perception on life. Untangling the two always felt difficult, maybe because of burdens from the past, or maybe it was my inability to understand things that most other people could. Conveying my thoughts and ideas into understandable paradigms. Conceptualizing how I felt into actual emotions. The line has always been visible, yet it seemed at every turn I was dealing with another internal conflict. Being in the between is difficult. It’s confusing, at worst you’re your own worst enemy and at best you’re second guessing your every action. But is that my worth? My entire value? To be a walking paradox and having no loyalty to a side in a world where picking a side seems to be a requirement? Maybe. Maybe not.
Over the years of observing people, learning how to be human in my own way, I realize people always make the choice of picking either black or white. And I realize it’s because everything is a choice, and picking a clear choice is an easy choice. It’s the comfortable choice. It’s the choice most people make in order to be able to live with their actions and knowing they won’t regret it. But is that a choice I also have to make? Yes. For awhile, yes I did believe that. But reiterating, everything truly is a choice. Whether I choose to be in the shallow end or the deep end, it’s all my choice. Everything has value if you choose to give it value. Emphasis on CHOOSE. In a world where people only pick one side because they only value their respective choice and not the other, I have to make the decision to value both. The ugly and the beautiful. Take the darkness with the light. Because there is no such thing as the epitome of human goodness, nor do I believe there is a side where shadows encompasses everything.
I’ve also come to realize people have the compulsive desire to be heard. A desire so strong, it begins to form into a need or requirement to be happy or content. I get it, I really do. Because who in the right mind would say they enjoy being ignored or unheard? You could argue that the words we use to represent our beliefs and ideals represents us. So being ignored almost feels like a rejection of our character and worth. But ultimately words are just words, they’re simply just words. And decisions are just choices we made. They may seem like two opposite things but they both come from the same place, a mere reflection of our “self”. So fuck it, I accepted the fact that sometimes I won’t be heard. And that’s completely okay because my sense of self and who I am and what I stand for never changes. What I choose to do will always reflect my character, so as long as I am physically capable; I’ll always be heard, even if my words were to fall on deaf ears. I do this for me, not you. Someone once told me to keep a journal, just so I can reorganize my thoughts and reflect on them. As long as my words are heard by me, I’ll be satisfied. Everything else that comes after is honestly just extra. So I guess this is my attempt at a “journal” but really it’s just “me”; and so it goes…
