I’ve always wondered if there was something different about me that makes me seem so… hard to love. I always feel like I’m fighting for something from everyone, something that I give to everyone. And for me, that thing comes so easily. It’s just simple acceptance of a person as a human being and the willingness to try to understand them and their perspective. And that’s because that’s something I’ve always envied and never received as a boy. Fatherless, abusive stepdad, an even more abusive mom. A family that ignored my constant pleas for help because I was always so terrified. A scared little boy, that’s what I always was. Despite that, I’ve always been the one to step up and defend my loved ones. I always work through my fear, or at least always try to. Because isn’t the only time you can be brave is when you are afraid? I’ve never been the one to stray away from conflict, even if it chills me to the core. I’m 3 years younger than my older brother, yet I was always the one to defend him in school. We were the only Asian kids in school, and that comes with it’s own problems. We were always picked on, spit at, called names, threatened with violence, had eggs thrown at us. I always stood up for both of us, even when he was the older and bigger one. And that’s fine, I’d do it every time. But it pains me to say, I’m not sure if he would do the same for me. The same way, I did for my sister and younger brother, defended them against parents and anyone that would think we’re easy to pick on. Because there’s nothing I hate more than someone who picks on the weak. Someone who is unable to defend themselves. Someone who reminded me of myself when I was a child. So I always try to stick up for someone who can’t for themselves. I’m okay with it and I wouldn’t have it any other way. But it’s never reciprocated.
I don’t expect it nor do I feel entitled to anyone defending me or sticking up for me, but it would be nice. To feel like someone has your back, through thick and thin. I never ask for help. Because my entire life, I’ve always been treated as a problem, never as a person. Never got it in the past, so I why would I want it now? Yet, people look down on me for being this way. I’m only this way for reasons of self preservation. I tell myself, if no one has my back, at least I have my back. But I always wonder “am I really so bad?”. I try my hardest to be a good person. Make the right choices. Do the right thing. Yet, it feels like the universe is always testing me. I truly believe that the universe returns to us what we put out. I’m 25 now, still hoping that it comes. But I’m not sure if I have the willpower to wait forever. I’m so jaded. I really am. But no one would know talking to me because I don’t show it. I always laugh. Always smile. Because I don’t want to burden others with how I feel. I’ve never been shown kindness when I was sad before, so why would I expect it now? People tell me otherwise, that I should show my sadness and ask for help. But it seems like every time I do, I’m shunned and looked down on. I try my hardest to be a rock for everyone, an anchor that’s dependable when they’re down. But I can’t be strong for everyone all the time. I get tired. I get weak. I break. I bleed. I get sad and depressed. I hurt the same. I get sad the same. Yet I’m never treated the same… I’ve been told “you look ugly when you cry” and “I don’t know what to do when he’s sad” by my exes. And It breaks my heart, truly does because I just want the same that I do for them. Tell them that everything will be okay and I’m here for them, always. But the very few times that I do break, I just get looked down on. Not worthy of love. Not worthy of effort. Not worthy of affection. I just really want to know what I did to be treated like such. As a child, as a teenager, and now as an adult. I’ve always been kind, never been the one to do people wrong on a whim. I believe in being good. But I’m always seen as the villain. The problem. Admittedly, I’m not without my faults. I’ve learn to appreciate and love the chaos. I’m masochistic, I find bliss in being hurt and being able to return it in several folds. I’m sadistic, I understand how it is to hurt, and what hurts the most. That doesn’t mean I choose to do it. That doesn’t mean I’ll hurt someone even if I did enjoy it. But having teeth demands respect. Just because I don’t bark, doesn’t mean my bite isn’t a lot worse than my non-existent bark. Because it is. I’m not explosive nor reactive. But I can be neurotic. Psychotic. Insane. Demented. Insurmountable. Indomitable. I’m meticulous. Multi-faceted. But these demons and shadow are my prisoners, I am not theirs. Haven’t been for a long, long time. To deny their existence is to deny my existence. I cannot heal what is not broken, but I can chain it down, so only that I may see it. Forever unyielding. These demons are mine alone to fight, and mine alone to control. But I shut everyone out of my heart except for a small few, I burn my bridges. But those few, I love with all my heart. I cherish them more than anything in the world, I’d go to the end of the world and back for them. I’d move mountains. Move heaven and earth. And I have no expectations to receive it back. I don’t know how to accept love and affection. Really don’t. I always tell those that I care about, that they don’t have to do the same and return the same care and effort for me. Because if they do, I don’t really know what to do with it. I don’t know how to feel about it. Give it to someone who needs it. I’ve only been shown conditional love my entire life, but conditional love is no real love at all. Something that comes with a price, and an obligation to reciprocate, I don’t want it. I don’t want it at all. It’s sad because if the expectancy wasn’t there, I’d reciprocate every time.
And I’d reciprocate every time because I truly cherish everyone I have in my life. Everyone in the past, everyone I’ve met, and the few that still remain. I’ve met so many people, and I’ve burned so many bridges. People come and go, it’s all the same. I’m so tired. I’m so tired of disappointing everyone. Everyone disappoints me because I disappoint everyone. Everyone gives up on me so easily, when I never give up on anyone that I care about. Even if it kills me inside. When my older brother told me his love for me is conditional, it broke my heart. Because he was the person I thought I was closest to. I loved him with all my heart, still do, but It just makes me sad that he doesn’t feel the same way. We don’t even talk anymore. All because I have wounds that I don’t know how to heal, flaws that I don’t know how to fix. I’m not a problem waiting to be fixed. I’m also a person, as much as no one sees. My efforts are always never seen. It’s always invalid. Because I’m just that big fuck up who dropped out of school and everyone thinks I’m a drug addict. But no one ever asks why I’m like that. Or how I feel. Or if I’m okay. I’m not okay. I wasn’t okay for a long time. How could I be? No one bothered to care to see how much I was suffering. So yeah, sorry I’m such a big fuck up. Sorry that I try to cope, try to bandage a wound that never seems to heal. At least I’m trying. Don’t take it away from me by telling me I never try. Because that breaks me the most. I try so hard. I’m sober now but what’s done is done. Change doesn’t come easy to me. I’m atypical, I’m arrogant, I’m hard headed. But I try with every part of me. At this point, I don’t care anymore if anyone believes me. It hurts when my loved ones don’t, but I’m done trying to prove my worth to anyone. I really am so tired.
Just.. don’t get me wrong. This isn’t a pity party, it’s just me trying to understand why I am the way I am, how to make sense of life, trying to understand how my circumstances and upbringing affects me. I still have those I love and cherish, that’s enough for me, please don’t stay if you aren’t happy. Please don’t expect me to be someone normal. Someone capable of showing you love the way you want it. Because I disappoint, I always seem to do. And it never changes how much I guilt I feel when I do. It’s not that I don’t change because I don’t care, it’s because I don’t know how. How can I change a part of me that is TRULY me? Some things you CAN change… some things you can’t. I’m still trying to figure out how to heal the wound of not understanding how to receive love. I still have high hopes, I just don’t know if I can do this forever. I just want someone to look at me and see me as someone who isn’t someone that needs fixing. Someone who isn’t broken. Someone who is beautiful in my own way, the way I accept everyone else. But it’s just all wants…. I’m not entitled to anything… Whether or not I have it, I do fine all on my own. Because maybe I really am better off alone. There’s always a heavy feeling of loneliness in my heart. No matter how many friends I have, no matter if I have a girlfriend. I just always feel so alone. It’s hard for me to love, also hard for me to be loved. I don’t know why I always seem to disappoint everyone when I have no expectations for others. People rarely disappoint me, because I don’t expect anything, most of the time if they’re happy I’m content. Yet somehow, I always find myself disappointed because I ended up disappointing someone again. I can’t be what you want me to be, I can only be me. Everyone is so different, yet I can only be me. I choose to lose everyone when I think they want more than I’m able to give, or I choose to lose myself…. if I’m ever forced to make a choice, how could anyone ever expect me to lose myself? I’ll choose myself every time…. sounds extremely selfish but if being selfish is the only thing keeping me going, then that’s just how it has to be. I can’t lose myself because I’m all I’ve ever had… maybe things have changed but I know most of my life it has been like that. I’m sorry if I ever had to walk away from you, I’m sorry. I’m sorry to all of you, it’s just what I had to do. And I had to do it because it was the only choice and decision I saw that would allow me to not hate myself so much to the point where I couldn’t carry on. But I’m not sorry for being me. I’m sorry I had to lose you, but I’m not sorry for being me. Some things you just have to do. I do what I must. Just know it was never easy for me, for every time I burned a bridge with someone I love. Just know it broke my heart, even if it might’ve not hurt you at all. But… the same way I cannot deny my demons and shadow, you cannot love me for being free spirited and hate me in the same vein for being unfettered.
I don’t need someone to come rescue me, I just need a place to rest my head.