I’ve known loss. “remember” “I DO“
I’ve known defeat. “humility” “I UNDERSTAND“
I’ve known failure. “it’s whatever is left of your humanity” “I KNOW“
I’ve known fear. “is this what you really want?” “IT’S THE ONLY WAY.“
I’ve known the taste of my own blood in my mouth. “why do you persist?” “BECAUSE I MUST.“
I’ve known it all too long and often for me to ever forget.
“but if you insist, I cannot stop you.” “You’ve never been able to.“
I don’t wear my crown, doesn’t mean this throne is any more meant for someone else than it does any less for me. “Know your place.” “And you know yours, shadow.“
Perhaps you were talking to a shadow. Perhaps it was my shadow that you were talking to at the time. But those words still ring and echo in my head ever since they manifested from your thoughts, into empty words from shrewd lips. Don’t pity me. Don’t patronize me. Because I know it’s just your way of trying to appeal to the shadow in me, but it’s my shadow not yours. Maybe then I was a few steps behind, but those are years long passed. This throne was always meant for me. There are no delusions of grandeur, there is only truth and doubt. To second guess and break under its gripping hold is to lose it all. Because I don’t lie to myself or those around me, to get them to believe the web of lies that we try to spew and spin in order to keep our worth. I will always choose to believe that the truth will bring serendipity. The path that rear its face only to me. The light cast by the moon only seen by me. That is the throne that belongs to me. Once a close friend, I understand now was just a usurper to my throne. The attempts to gaslight was pathetic. The lies were pathetic. Did you honestly believe I would believe any of it? But… is a lie still a lie if it’s your reality and truth? You know… I’ve pondered on that for a while. It’s perplexing, but that’s all it is…
I’ve come too far, much too far… Grown too old, much too old… to ever throw it all away now. I can’t. I mustn’t. I’m really done saying sorry. There’s no sorry for something I’m no longer sorry about. We’ve grown so far apart in these last two years and it truly breaks my heart in ways that you can’t imagine. But not everyone is meant to stay in your life. People think just because you choose to not bite, you’re incapable of biting. That isn’t the case. It’s because I know that my bite is a lot worse than everyone else’s that I don’t bite. I don’t enjoy competing and I don’t enjoy fighting with someone below me. It’s beneath me. It’s not fair to you so I don’t. You really don’t understand my drive and obsession to be right or win. But I’m old enough now to understand some things aren’t worth winning, some times winning isn’t the right choice, sometimes being right doesn’t even feel right. It’s not that I’m not capable of such things. It’s that I didn’t care for it because in some form or way, I didn’t need that victory, it was all yours to relish. It’s sad, it really is that I try hard in some way or another, to not say “KNOW YOUR PLACE” but I always end up having to say it. And that isn’t directed at anyone specific. It’s at anyone that tries to stir the hornet’s nest. I let people win and feel some type of solace in their life, but it’s something I give out of the kindness of my heart and will. You can’t give what you don’t have. And knowing victory, is something I do have. I’m done saying sorry for retaliating with unequal force. It’s not unequal because I don’t understand restraint. It’s because I understand restraint that you never see how differing it is. An unrelenting force meets a force that relents willingly. We simply just aren’t cut from the same cloth. Don’t say I didn’t care about you when fought for you was all I ever did. Please don’t be such a coward. 8 long years and this is all I have to show for it… Someone who calls me friend while seeing me as the enemy. I don’t sit on my throne simply because I still don’t feel ready. Rather humble than to believe in my own hubris. I want to. I NEED to be able to back up every fucking word I say otherwise it’ll all mean nothing. I’ll just be another shrewd lip moron that chooses to mean nothing, kind of like you. I loved you like a brother and I still do. But this throne was always meant for me. Until then, I’ll remain a prince of nothing, just know that I’m coming back for it. Too long I’ve been complacent… Too long I’ve chosen to give when taking is what I’ve known first. But I’ve known victory more than I have loss, defeat, and failure…
