i don’t know if i’m worthy of love, kindness and help, and i just can’t lie to myself and say i believe that i do. because i don’t.
thoughts & musing.
seasons change… and just as naturally as the night rain fall turns into early summer morning dew, it all dries up and leaves with the winds of change. i wouldn’t say this place is quiet, but it is a certain type of… quieter. quiet enough to where this is usually the part where my tears get the best of me, but i don’t know, somethings changed… and i can’t seem to find the tears anymore… I don’t know why, and I try as hard as I can to let it go, let it out..
but even then, i’ll still be here even when we’re in hard times.…
August huh? Summer’s end is near and I don’t even remember July, let alone June… but I guess that’s just the consequences of me dissociating from the world. In the past couple of months-, no. In these recent years, I’ve pushed and I’ve pushed. I mean I always did, but it was never active and never with a set purpose in my mind. I guess… most of my life, push has always been used defensively, whether to avoid the pain of loss or just plain old habits.…
one day I’m gonna quit my job, pack my bags, and go somewhere far away to paint the world the color of the sky.
“… if you’re not happy please don’t stay.”
and ever since then, I’ve had trouble staying… because the person I’m always not happy with, is myself.
I’ve always wondered if there was something different about me that makes me seem so… hard to love. I always feel like I’m fighting for something from everyone, something that I give to everyone. And for me, that thing comes so easily. It’s just simple acceptance of a person as a human being and the willingness to try to understand them and their perspective. And that’s because that’s something I’ve always envied and never received as a boy. Fatherless, abusive stepdad, an even more abusive mom.
Life’s been strange and it’s trippin’ me out.
I don’t really know what to say,
only that I’m not here to stay.
